Reconciliation in Three Powerful Steps

How can a relationship that is damaged be reconciled? Is it possible? I believe it is, nearly all the time. However, there are extreme cases such as abuse within a family that reconciliation will be extremely difficult or even impossible unless the offender accepts the responsibility and consequences for their actions, even if those consequences include legal action.

What happens after reconciliation occurs? Often, we find that relationships are actually stronger after reconciliation.

Frequently, reconciliation is essential because we live or work with the person we are at odds with. However, in order for reconciliation to truly work, we must desire it. We won’t be reconciled with anyone if we don’t want it. Of course, the other person must want it or at least be open to it as well.

The simple steps I outline here take some time. They work! So allow yourself to go through them. Keep in mind that the other person may not be working through these same steps. If this is the case, take note of my words of counsel in step three.

Three Powerful Steps to Reconciliation

It takes two people to make a relationship work. When relationships fall apart, usually both parties bear some responsibility. So there are two initial steps to reconciliation. It is important to get those steps in the right order.

It is impossible to adequately take these steps in the ‘heat of battle.’ Cooling off and stepping away a bit must be done first. Only then can you begin.

Step One – Look In

There is only one person that you can work on to change – yourself! We want to change others but we have limited influence and no control to make that happen.

In broken relationships, you must ask yourself what your part of the problem was. What did you say? What did you do or fail to do?

This inward look must be honest and vulnerable. If you make excuses and justify your actions, you will not succeed at this step. Before you can honestly and thoroughly forgive another person, you must honestly and thoroughly examine yourself to evaluate your part of the problem.

Once you have determined what you have done wrong, you must do something about it. Pray about it, correct it, apologize.

It is only after you have completed this step that you can take the next step.

Step Two – Look Out

How did the other person contribute to this conflict? What did they say or do? What did they fail to say or do?

Taking calm time to look at this is essential because what comes next is forgiveness of that person. Whatever they did to offend must be forgiven in order to move forward. This forgiveness does not necessarily need to be expressed to that person but it must be absolutely clear in your heart and mind.

What is Forgiveness?

To forgive is to grant a pardon for an offense and to treat the offender as if the offense had not occurred. That is the way that God forgives us.

Step Three – Communicate

Finally, you must take the time to communicate with the other person. This is not a time of casting blame but of accepting responsibility.

If the other person is still in the ‘blame mode,’ simply accepting sole responsibility may be your only recourse. Remember what is written: “strive for peace with everyone” (Hebrews 12:14 – ESV) and realize that your striving will do much to heal any hurt.

You must express how you will change or handle things differently. It is also an opportunity to express how you felt through the conflict and into the reflection following the conflict.

This is a time to listen to the other person to better understand them and how they feel. You might find that you have greater success during this step if you determine to listen more than you speak. You can gain deep insight into one another during this phase, learn another perspective and maybe even discover past experiences that contribute to the relationship, for better or worse.

What Do You Need to Do?

Is there someone you have difficulty with? Are you in need or reconciling with a close friend or family member? The sooner you do so, the easier that reconciliation will be.

Please, leave a comment or email me and let me know how it goes.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash