Conflict and Reconciliation

We do a terrible job at handling conflict. Typically, our process only adds to the conflict and is not an intentional path to reconciliation. Jesus taught us a better way!

When someone offends us, we generally share our side of the story with our family and friends, looking for a sympathetic ear. We cast blame and wait for the other person to come to us to apologize and beg forgiveness. In extreme cases, we broadcast our grievances to the world through social media.

Here is what Jesus said we should do

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

Matthew 18:15-20 (ESV)

It is important to remember that Jesus is instructing his disciples, his followers, and not the general public. And if we can get this conflict resolution business figured out in the church, we would go a long way to brightening our witness to the world.

Just to be clear the issue here is conflict (or sin) involving disciples. Even in the kingdom there is the possibility of conflict and sin against one another. This is not normal and, ideally, this should rarely happen. But it will still happen simply because of our differences.

The resolution

The first step is one on one conversation. When we do this we must keep in mind Jesus’ previous warnings, for example what he said in Matthew 7:3: Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?

Notice the goal of this conversation is to win them over, literally to gain back a healthy relationship. It is not to cast blame, embarrass, belittle, expose or humiliate. This conversation should encourage, restore and lift up.

If this doesn’t work, go to the next step.

The second step is to have the same conversation with one or two others present. The goal of reconciliation remains, the approach is the same. Witnesses strengthen the force of accountability and provide a detached perspective.

If this doesn’t work, go the next step.

The third step may be a little tricky because it now involves the whole church. With the goal of reconciliation and the power of the one or two previous witnesses, there is sure to be either reconciliation or alienation!

The principles at work in this process

Jesus shared some important principles that come into play with this approach.

The principle of binding and loosing. In this case, you are binding divisive sin, rebellion and pride, a judgmental spirit and self-righteousness. You are loosing compassion,  reconciliation, humility and repentance.

The principle of the power of agreement. This calls for great faith and unity or literally to be of one mind. The idea of unity comes from the Greek word symphoneo from which we get our word symphony. The church is to be like a symphony. We don’t all play the same instrument but we are playing the same music! Unity is born by submission to God’s will and a goal to glorify him.

The principle of promise. When we embrace the conditions, we see the promise. The condition in this case is unity. It is so important to note that there is no time period attached to the promise but it is sure – it will be done.

The principle of presence. We see that two or three with Jesus (the Spirit of Christ) things happen. That principle works when you confront initially, when you take others and when the church gathers as well as during prayer.

The requirements

None of this is done in a void. There are some basic discipleship requirements to be able to successfully employ this strategy. Here they are.

We must be able to hear the voice of God. It is essential to train our ears to hear his voice through prayer, time in his word, in silence and in counsel with other disciples.

We must be living in humility. Our desires must be in submission to the desires of God. We must be aware of our failings and weaknesses and constantly thankful for God’s mercy and grace.

Approach every relationship issue with sincerity. Seek only the good of the person and the church and live in constant obedience and love – especially love.

Practice discernment. We want to truly see as God sees and act only when sure.

As previously mentioned, unity is absolutely essential. Four aspects to unity:

Objectivity – seeing the truth

Commitment to be one with God

Obedience – even when difficult and uncomfortable

Mutual abiding in the presence of Jesus.

The very thing Jesus prayed for was unity in the church. Therefore, we are called upon to consistently pray for and work toward this unity.

Is there something in your life or experience that is detrimental to an important relationship or the unity of the church? Resolve it right now!